AsToldByShan

Welcome Back to the Blog! Today we will be discussing friendships and how hard they are to maintain as you grow older! And how some people aren’t meant to have many friends but a select few. Let’s get into it…

For years , or for as long as I can remember I’ve never struggled to MAKE friends . But I’ve always struggled to keep them. which lead to a deep depression eventually and me trying to correct every negative thing about me.

I’ve always tried my best, to be non-judgmental and super supportive of my girlfriends. I’m a girls girl at heart, i LOVE women. but i never got what i gave out truly back. and people end up hating everything they said they loved about me!

now I’m not a perfect friend and i don’t claim to be. theres tons of things i can always work on. but one things for sure, I’m a RIDER and when we become friends , ill have your back no matter what! ill constantly lift you up and support you, good or bad. i almost ALWAYS forgive people too. and for the most part i will say sorry first. but rarely do i get the same in return. i think so highly of my friend’s and want whats best for them. But I just can’t seem to keep any long term friends, no matter how hard i try.

i was always the least favorite friend or the friend no one was afraid of hurting. i was disposable. it broke my heart, because even now as I’m into my 30s, I’m finding it hard to maintain healthy friendships. Mixed that with the hustle and bustle of ADULTHOOD, it’s extremely difficult already trying to keep tabs on friends and or make new ones. Everyone is selfish and worried about their own needs. And more often than not, only prefer friends that they can benefit from. Or friends that are YES MEN , and never differ from their opinions.

I’ve always strived to be well liked and to have friends who were super different from me. and I’ve failed many times at both. when i was younger it bothered me and made me think something was wrong with me. now I’m simply think, I’m not meant to be liked by everyone and not everyone is truly going to like me. not everyone CAN be a friend and to pay attention to who people are the first time they show you.

At the ripe age of 33 i have zero desire to make any new friends anymore. my trust for people has gone out the window. and I’m starting to be okay with being a lone wolf. it sucks that I’ve not had many successful stories on friendships, and even though i adore and accept people for who they are, i don’t get that back. it is absolutely so exhausting trying to keep one sided friendships alive, or friendships with double standards. i cant make any mistakes but they can make them all. Everytime i go hard for someone and have their back, it always blows up in my face!

this year has shown me a lot about myself and what i can put up with. and I’m making a promise to myself, that this will be the very last year of bare minimum. i owe it to myself to finally be free and to live for me ! And if that means walking alone for a little while, until god sees it fit, so be it!