Lessons

What I’ve learned about myself so much these past 3 years is that , friendships consume me. And not in a good way. I often find people I have zero in common with and become fast “best friends “. I then go over and beyond for them and would kill for them. Only to be let down every single time when they don’t Ever share the same energy. But why? Am I not important enough to go hard for? Are they using me and don’t realize it? I can tell you how many times I’ve had friends check In on me or tried to hangout to catch up with me these last few months of 2019-0. All those best friends I went over and beyond for have been nowhere to be found. Crazy right?! Not really , what I learned is people will always let you down when you hold them to any type of standards. People suck and people are getting more selfish with their time. People will see how caring and giving you are and will suck you insanely DRY. My problem is I always attract “friends” like this. So in reality maybe I’m the problem right?! My need for constant love and attention and longing for companionship had made me desperate to befriend and keep friends who aren’t actually great friends at all. This doesn’t mean they’re bad people afcourse just not on par to be great friends with me. It’s made me severely independent. I no longer wait around for people to get things done. I go shopping by MYSELF. I go to the movies by MYSELF. I go workout/running by MYSELF. Because In the end I’m the only one who’s always gonna have my back and I won’t ever let me down. This year I think by loosing friendships I found the best one in ME❤️

What I love is….

  • Rainy days and days that it doesn’t rain but it still smells like it
  • Anything that reminds me of the 90s/2000s and my childhood. I immediately feel safe there
  • Life’s lessons. They’re hard and suck. But here’s the thing life will continue to send you the same lesson until you pass it.
  • Holding hands. Playing with fingers. All of it. It’s mine to hold
  • Loving someone so honestly and wholeheartedly. That shit feels soo good
  • Loving YOURSELF so honestly and wholeheartedly. That shit feels extra good
  • Laughing so hard I cry.
  • Laughing so hard I can’t breathe
  • Good books and stories that I can usually finish in a day or two.
  • My stories. I Go back to them and read them from time to time.
  • Poetry
  • Slowing down in the moment and just being PRESENT.
  • Warm people. People that feel like home.
  • Robert Downey jr. that’s it. That’s the tweet and send
  • A great sense of humor can go a long way!( I once talked myself out of failing a class by making the teacher giggle.
  • Baby giggles. They’re the purest thing in the world.
  • Baby cuddles- also pure.
  • Smell of fresh babies-best smell in the world
  • Red velvet cake
  • Broccoli and cheese pasta/rice
  • Art- music. Movies. Paintings
  • Halloween
  • The holidays
  • Warm vibes
  • The quiet
  • Late nights
  • Vacations
  • What I love is…….
  • Hello the new me

    • This new me is a me I’ve secretly met many times before. But loudly afraid of reactions and loosing friendships I’ve kept her (closeted). I’ve always come back to her just to keep her hidden away. Safe. She was perfect . Pure. I didn’t want anyone to see her really or to ruin her. I let a bit of her shine every-once and a while, then I get scared and tell her ” that’s enough now, don’t do too much now”

    I think she’s who I’m meant to be. She’s fiercely everything I ever wanted to be. She loves me unconditionally. I hope she stays in me. She arrived late but just in time. The end of a decade full of wondering and left behinds. Girl 2020 and beyond is your time to SHINE. hello new me it’s so fucking nice to finally feel free to be you❤️

    Tim burton❤️☠️

    In honor of spooky season🎃 here are my absolute favorite Tim burton films. Tim burton is always the move in October!!. What’s your favorite Tim burton film?!

    Scariest people in horror history 🎃

    Here’s my top scariest horror icons. Keep in mind this is my (OpInIon). 🔈

    1. Orange man- he’s ruining our country.
    2. Jeepers creepers- he comes back every 23 years for 23 days to eat/kill. no matter how many times you kill him.
    3. Pennywise- he’s a demon clown who Prays on you and your fears .
    4. Freddy Kruger – also prays on your fears but while you’re sleeping. Need I say more?!
    5. Leather face- although he stays in Texas, still highly disturbing and horrifying.
    6. Michael Myers- has no motive and literally dies every movie and still comes back to kill everyone and everybody for no reason at all. He’s straight ruthless.

    In the tall grass

    When I first heard about this film I was kinda of interested but kind of not. It just didn’t make any logical sense as to why anyone would hear screaming from a field of “tall grass” and run into it and try to help. But I guess if everyone just called the cops first then we wouldn’t have a film. To say this movie was highly disturbing would be a understatement. The movie follows a brother and sister on a road trip, who while driving by hears cry’s of help from the tall grass . The brother and sister then are lured into the grass and all its sinster secrets it holds. Overall the film was pretty good. I haven’t read the book so I don’t know if they did it justice or not. But as a Stephen king fan I can say it was very weird and disturbing and disgusting, so they must have done something right. There’s plenty of “omg wtf” scenes but one scene in particular that has stayed with me since watching it Saturday. And let’s just say it gave me straight mother/Jennifer Lawrence vibes. I give in the tall grass 8/10. Patrick Wilson was AMAZING and plays a creepy scary asshole too well. The other acting was alright compared to his. In my opinion he carried the whole film. I would watch it again but maybe skip over certain parts.

    Bloodshot and waste

    Dove Cameron has finally released her solo music and we’ve only been waiting 6 years. Upon the dual release Cameron tweeted that she was so happy for us to finally hear her original music and that it took her so long because basically the music business can be tricky and sneaky. I for one am pleasantly surprised with the musical tone she decided to go with. Dove has a musical theater and Disney channel back ground, mix that with her big green eyes and long blonde hair, I kind of had her as another great straight pop artist . But with bloodshot and waste, they’re much more stronger than a lot of pop songs out right now and they’re a lot grittier. It’s definitely not what you would expect from dove. Both videos are filmed in black and white and both songs are more of a slow gradual pull. I’m impressed with her first two singles and can’t wait to hear more of what she has to offer.

    The year 28 has taught me

    1. Fuck boys are for little girls who have time on their hands and nothing to do. Not women with plans , goals and ambition. Drop them . You know Them when you see them
    2. Drama is pointless and literally gives you a migraine. Stay clear of EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING THAT BRINGS IT.
    3. Paying bills is an unnecessary necessity unfortunately but makes you feel like a real life grown up with your shit together.
    4. Paying your bills ahead of time makes you feel even better
    5. You’re a little ocd now and have become uneasy when areas are dirty. (I think I’m turning into my mother)
    6. Your work ethic has approved. You’re taking on more but you’re also getting tired faster
    7. Drink LOTS OF WATER. And wine but mostly WATER
    8. YOU’VE been working out a lot this year. Keep it up. Your body thanks you
    9. You smell bullshit a mile away and don’t put up with it no matter who it’s from.
    10. When something bothers you… speak up or it’ll continue to bother you.
    11. You plan on going back to school full time In January. ( keep that promise)
    12. You plan to move out in the next two years. (Keep to it)
    13. Youre into planning and making lists now. (Real life old lady in the making)
    14. You rather go get dinner and drinks versus going to a hott sweaty club.
    15. Which brings us here… you’ve drank way too much between 21-27 and now you can barley drink at all.( sad times)
    16. You like routine and order When things do not go as planned or the routine changes it bothers you DEEPLY.
    17. You HATE asking for help and get it done faster when you don’t have to ask anyone.
    18. People in their early 20s have NOTHING in common with you shanise. You’re almost 30 sister. Stop trying to hang with the young folks. And it explains why they aggravate you. ( damn youths)
    19. You’re gaining more patience with children ( maybe they’re coming for you sooner than you think.
    20. You’ve been acutely aware of the fact that your getting older and have been secretly holding on to childish things and childish ways. It’s okay, let go. 29 and your 30s are gonna be AWESOME.
    21. 28 hasn’t been that bad either.
    22. Boys who don’t have their shit together doesn’t appeal to you.
    23. Boys in general does nothing for you.
    24. Now a MAN….
    25. you’re worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. You got this.