It’s been a total of 9 months and I’ve completely given myself over to BTS. Back in August, when I was just a curious little guy, I would HAVE never known how deep I would fall inlove with these 7 guys.
I was just curious, I just wanted to know their names, I didn’t think watching carpool karaoke and dynamite would be the start of something magical. I didn’t understand the super fandoms and how devoted army’s were until I became one. I didn’t think I would buy merch or online concert tickets, or collect photocards/albums. But here I am doing all the things I found insanely cringy.
These boys make me so happy. Their music is an instant mood lifter and theres songs for every mood I could ever be in. Their music videos show their passion and talent. Their interviews and behind the scenes footage shows their funny personalities . And their concerts show just how much they love ARMY. And when I say they love their fans so much, they REALLY ACTUALLY LOVE THEIR FANS. I’ve never seen ANYTHING LIKE IT.
I’ve been a part of many boy band fandoms: one direction, jonas brothers. But I never felt like THIS, never like this. Like if I had to lay my life on the line to defend them to the end, I most definitely would. With bts it’s just different, as a loner introvert 29 year old I feel SEEN WITH BTS. There is such a special connection between armys and bts that’s UNBREAKABLE. When they cry, we cry. When they win we win, when they’re angry, BITCH WE RIDE AT DAWN. I’m no longer ashamed to say I’m in this bts shit for LIFE. To the wheels roll off , forever. I wish I could fully put Into words how much they’ve changed my life and how happy they make me. how their videos help me with my depression and anxiety. And maybe it’s silly, but I know fellow armys understand. It’s special. Everytime I’m done watching a concert I miss them and I’m sad. And that’s never happened with me and ANY artists before. It’s like they’ve filled a hole I wasn’t aware I had, I love everything bts stands for and only hope they continue on being the best they can be. And I will be right here supporting them with everything in me .
PS. I love the dynamite era so much, we were truly blessed.
I’ve found it Mostly difficult to find new and interesting things to post about when all I really care about is harry styles, kpop, little mix , girlgroups and Halloween. So I’ll stick to what I know and what makes me happiest, instead of trying to be like every blogger and blog about EVERY SINGLE THING HAPPENING IN HOLLYWOOD. It’s too exhausting and it made me fall out of love with writing. So here I go, I hope you all stay around and we gain even more ASTOLDBYSHANISE friends along the way.
We’re nearly there babygirl, you’re almost the big dreaded 30. But who are you now and who will you be then? Ever since you can remember you’ve been different, marches to the beat of your own drums, a “weirdo”. If we are giving IT names. You loved yourself until they told you not to. Until you saw how the others were given attention and worshipped. Until you saw how media and your community built the others up. They didn’t know or maybe they did, but they were slowly killing your individuality. You swore once you pulled yourself together, you TOO would be just like the others. All the same, dull pretty vain. Then YOU would be worshipped, you would be loved, you would have ALL the attention. Life would be great, you will be full. But we’re nearly there babygirl, almost the dreaded 30 and all this playing (Baddie and boujie) has only left you empty and constantly searching for more. You convinced yourself name brand things and high society would bring you peace. But all it will ever be is a burden and a deep hole you will never get out of alive if you keep digging. Those things don’t matter and never WILL . There’s gotta be more to life….
I’ve finally reached that point in my life. The point where I realized I’m gonna be single for a while until I can find my equal. Ever since I’d become interested in boys and dating ,I settled. I may have not known it then, but any boy who called me cute or paid me any type of attention , had my heart. I didn’t care that they treated me like shit or they strung me along. As long as I had “someone”. Yes, I had super low self-esteem and was supper shy and had about a billion insecurities. I once wasted 10 years on a guy. Who was never my official boyfriend by the way. And never intended to be . But loved the girlfriend type things he got by being with me. Imagine the type of low worth man you have to be to string someone along for a decade when you know you’ll never commit to them. And Imagine how much I didn’t know my worth that I put up with it. He always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, when truth is I was probably too good for him. I just didn’t know it. I’ve had more than enough of those type of relationships to last me a lifetime. Seriously, I’ve learned my lesson. My point being is I’ve settled for everything in my life
I always accepted the bare minimum. Not until recently have I worked my butt off in every aspect of my life and stopped settling for the bare minimum. And guess what!? It’s cost me friends, and guys. But guess what I’ve gained? EVERYTHING I was supposed to become. I can no longer accpet the bare minimum and I don’t want too!! Those people were simply a distraction, keeping me from achieving my goals. So don’t settle! And if people fall off or leave…. Well LET THEM. They’re not meant to be in your life anyway. Does it absolutely suck being alone and single, especially during a pandemic!??? Yes!! , Trust me I know it does. But imagine the blessings that are about to enter your life for not settling. The best is yet to come and comes to those who are patient. We’re gonna make it, we won’t be alone forever.
If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that when you’re overly ambitious people tend to either be scared of you or doubt you.
This is the busiest and most driven I’ve ever been and instead of being met with praise and positives, I feel like I’m being met with negativity and doubters. I feel people pulling away from me. I feel people rolling their eyes when I talk about my goals and ambitions. I don’t always get the same support I put out. I’ve noticed I’m the only one going hard for my brand. And you know what!?
That’s fine with me. I’ve got an insatiable hunger now that I’ve gotten a taste of what it means to be a boss and I honestly love it. I find myself no longer wanting to be around people who don’t have that same hunger . I now longer look at men who do the bare minimum and get excited about it. In my eyes if I’m doing xyz and beyond, so do you. I can’t sit at a table where there’s no talk of substance going on. I can’t even begin to think about dating you if you’re not matching my energy and being just as busy if not busier than me. What I want, I get but only because I’m willing to work my ass off for it. If you can’t keep up, I suggest you move to the side So I can get it done. I’m no longer waiting on anyone to get what I need done. I’m doing it by myself and for myself.
I’ve been feeling low latley and feeling like God has left me to suffer. I often ask him “why would you make me this way only for people to not understand me or like me” . But the thing with God is who you are is exactly who you’re meant to be. If the people in your life don’t like you or understand you, those people aren’t meant to be in your life. Period. When the same type of negative , manipulative people come into your life over and over , God is trying to teach you a lesson. Those people aren’t for you and you deserve better. But until you see that and believe it, he’s going to keep testing you.
I don’t know what God has in store for me. And I sometimes get impatient because I’m ready for my BLESSINGS NOW. But I know God has something AMAZING for me. It has to be, there’s no way he would take away something bad to only be left with nothing at all. And from what he’s done for me so far…. I can only imagine the blessings I’m about to be rolling in.
2020 has been quite the year already and it’s not even over yet. But while the whole world seems to falling apart and trying to heal itself, I’ve been having one the most productive and busiest years of my life. Who knew all it took was covid and lockdown to kick my ass into gear. All the things I’ve wanted to do for YEARS, I finally did. Nothing stood in my way. But I’ve noticed Everytime I’m on a high and I’m getting it done , something is thrown in my way to distract me( most of the time it’s boys) . I can’t help but wonder if the universe is testing me or if the devil sees what I’m becoming and is trying to knock me down. I allow myself to get distracted by useless things and then I’m in a rut for days. Then when I come out of said rut I’m left confused as to why I even let whatever it was brother me for so long. And like GIRL WE GOT SHIT TO DO. There’s no time for tears. I’ve also noticed the more distracted I become the harder I work when I come back to my senses. Either way you want to spin it, this year has been incredible for me.
. Started my own busines
.Started writing my very first book(surprise)
.launched my YouTube channel
When I look at how much I’ve accomplished I’m SHOOK. WHO knew the little ol depressed girl would become all of this! It’s easy to look at what’s in front of you and get discouraged. But you don’t know the bigger picture. You have no idea what’s waiting for you in the end . If you would have told me 4 years ago I would be halfway through finishing uni , owning a business, running a blog and YouTube channel. I would have laughed in your face . This new me I’ve become is worth so much more and so worth protecting. I’m excited to see what the future holds. No more letting distractions win . I’VE GOT SHIT TO DO.
You can absolutely be friends with different types of people, but sometimes there’s people you don’t need to be friends with and you know it. Not that they’re beneath me or anything, it’s just their presence adds no value to my life or well being. I used to not care who I surrounded myself with. Now as I move forward and up with my life, I like to surround myself only with powerful women. Women who aren’t about pettiness and drama, but about their careers and business and being a better person. When you surround yourself with lo-class people with no ambition that’s what you become sooner or later. When you surround yourself with people who work hard and strive for the best, it pushes you to want to be a better person and to work harder.
I’m DONE with people who don’t match my hustle or frequency. They can stay low while I go high!!