If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that when you’re overly ambitious people tend to either be scared of you or doubt you.
This is the busiest and most driven I’ve ever been and instead of being met with praise and positives, I feel like I’m being met with negativity and doubters. I feel people pulling away from me. I feel people rolling their eyes when I talk about my goals and ambitions. I don’t always get the same support I put out. I’ve noticed I’m the only one going hard for my brand. And you know what!?
That’s fine with me. I’ve got an insatiable hunger now that I’ve gotten a taste of what it means to be a boss and I honestly love it. I find myself no longer wanting to be around people who don’t have that same hunger . I now longer look at men who do the bare minimum and get excited about it. In my eyes if I’m doing xyz and beyond, so do you. I can’t sit at a table where there’s no talk of substance going on. I can’t even begin to think about dating you if you’re not matching my energy and being just as busy if not busier than me. What I want, I get but only because I’m willing to work my ass off for it. If you can’t keep up, I suggest you move to the side So I can get it done. I’m no longer waiting on anyone to get what I need done. I’m doing it by myself and for myself.
I’ve been feeling low latley and feeling like God has left me to suffer. I often ask him “why would you make me this way only for people to not understand me or like me” . But the thing with God is who you are is exactly who you’re meant to be. If the people in your life don’t like you or understand you, those people aren’t meant to be in your life. Period. When the same type of negative , manipulative people come into your life over and over , God is trying to teach you a lesson. Those people aren’t for you and you deserve better. But until you see that and believe it, he’s going to keep testing you.
I don’t know what God has in store for me. And I sometimes get impatient because I’m ready for my BLESSINGS NOW. But I know God has something AMAZING for me. It has to be, there’s no way he would take away something bad to only be left with nothing at all. And from what he’s done for me so far…. I can only imagine the blessings I’m about to be rolling in.
2020 has been quite the year already and it’s not even over yet. But while the whole world seems to falling apart and trying to heal itself, I’ve been having one the most productive and busiest years of my life. Who knew all it took was covid and lockdown to kick my ass into gear. All the things I’ve wanted to do for YEARS, I finally did. Nothing stood in my way. But I’ve noticed Everytime I’m on a high and I’m getting it done , something is thrown in my way to distract me( most of the time it’s boys) . I can’t help but wonder if the universe is testing me or if the devil sees what I’m becoming and is trying to knock me down. I allow myself to get distracted by useless things and then I’m in a rut for days. Then when I come out of said rut I’m left confused as to why I even let whatever it was brother me for so long. And like GIRL WE GOT SHIT TO DO. There’s no time for tears. I’ve also noticed the more distracted I become the harder I work when I come back to my senses. Either way you want to spin it, this year has been incredible for me.
. Started my own busines
.Started writing my very first book(surprise)
.launched my YouTube channel
When I look at how much I’ve accomplished I’m SHOOK. WHO knew the little ol depressed girl would become all of this! It’s easy to look at what’s in front of you and get discouraged. But you don’t know the bigger picture. You have no idea what’s waiting for you in the end . If you would have told me 4 years ago I would be halfway through finishing uni , owning a business, running a blog and YouTube channel. I would have laughed in your face . This new me I’ve become is worth so much more and so worth protecting. I’m excited to see what the future holds. No more letting distractions win . I’VE GOT SHIT TO DO.
You can absolutely be friends with different types of people, but sometimes there’s people you don’t need to be friends with and you know it. Not that they’re beneath me or anything, it’s just their presence adds no value to my life or well being. I used to not care who I surrounded myself with. Now as I move forward and up with my life, I like to surround myself only with powerful women. Women who aren’t about pettiness and drama, but about their careers and business and being a better person. When you surround yourself with lo-class people with no ambition that’s what you become sooner or later. When you surround yourself with people who work hard and strive for the best, it pushes you to want to be a better person and to work harder.
I’m DONE with people who don’t match my hustle or frequency. They can stay low while I go high!!
Something very strange happened within the months of vivid becoming a thing and my 29th birthday coming up…. I started reading these crappy sexual heterosexual novels and wanting to all of a sudden be married and have kids‼️ if you personally know me, it came out of nowhere and was super sudden and annoying. I was dressing more girly and acting less like myself and MORE like what I thought a almost 30 year old should be like. I got into the mindset of “if I want a husband I’ve got to fix myself and be perfect first” and let me tell you one thing:PERFECTION does not exist !! Although I have become super busy and have found happiness in building a business and furthering my blog, and you know becoming a GIRLBOSS. I still felt half empty… like okay my time is winding down and I don’t wanna be a old mom, I need to find a MAN now and be married and have my baby before it’s too late. Like this is a constant anxiety loop for me for the past few months. And I can’t decide if it’s because of quarantine and not being able to meet new people or being in my last year of my 20s and feeling like romantically I’m not where I’m suppose to be. Which is silly right?! Because nowhere in real life is it mandatory to have a husband and baby and that equals automatic HAPPINESS. I generally haven’t been attracted to real life men in like two years. So my sudden need for marriage and to be a wife was overwhelming me. Suffocating me. But thing is… I put this pressure on myself and it’s quite silly to be worked up over such trivial things. To put so much of my worth and thought process into being the right kind of women a man will want to marry… when in all honesty FUCK MEN( not the select good few) but the overall population of men SUCK.
So as I sit here and coming to the conclusion that I don’t need to rush myself to find a MAN AND BE A WIFE. I’m dope as well without a man and I’m sure as hell not settling for some mediocre man at that, just so I can say I have one. I’m writing this to remind myself how badass I really am and how even At times were I feel low and feel like a complete failure when it comes to men: IM NOT. And hey there’s always women. the right guy (or girl) will come along and sweep you off your feet. And you will look back at this post and be like damn… I was BUGGING.
The thing about being single is , I’ve been “single” or on my own for so long I’ve lost the interest to be with someone. I’ve had so many failed relationships it’s made me hard and unable to open up to anyone. It’s like why bother when I’ll probably just end up disappointed like I always am. Which I’m aware is a very negative way to go about life and love in general but alas here I am. With my walls built high and doing everything for myself. I buy my own flowers, take myself shopping, hype myself up, take myself on dates, I open my own pickle jars, kill the spiders on my own and if I want something , I buy it for myself. I don’t wait for some magical knight in shinning armor to buy it for me. In fact I feel very weird about guys buying me gifts in general. The point is once you’ve been single and let down so many times, it’s hard to open yourself up to love.
For 2020 I’m hoping I can get my shit together and try and let someone in. I don’t need anyone, but it would be nice to have someone sometimes. Maybe even if it’s just so they can open my pickle jar for me instead.
Here’s the thing, the god honest truth, 2019 was the hardest year I’ve had in a long time. I went fresh into the new year with a new job and a new semester of school and full of hope(New website). Ended up succeeding in work but failed an entire semester of school. I dropped out temporally. I made new friends whilst keeping the old ones. New friends turned out not to be so good for my mental health. Old friends started new ventures and moved away. Cue my mental health taking another dive. My love life, completely toxic and full of drama. Cue my mental health taking ANOTHER dive. For the first time in years, I felt hopeless and just useless. I was working non-stop and was miserable. I felt like my life was going nowhere. In August I started pushing everyone away. And by November I could barley leave my bed unless I had to go to work. I wasn’t sleeping and my mind was in overdrive . Without getting to TMI on the god awful internet, I just want to say all of this sucked major ass and I’m going into 2020 hopeful. I’m making a lot of changes for the new year and I just hope I’m back here alive on December 27 ,2020 to tell you all about my amazing wonderful year. I’m rooting for myself for the first time EVER. Happy New Years 🥳
What I’ve learned about myself so much these past 3 years is that , friendships consume me. And not in a good way. I often find people I have zero in common with and become fast “best friends “. I then go over and beyond for them and would kill for them. Only to be let down every single time when they don’t Ever share the same energy. But why? Am I not important enough to go hard for? Are they using me and don’t realize it? I can tell you how many times I’ve had friends check In on me or tried to hangout to catch up with me these last few months of 2019-0. All those best friends I went over and beyond for have been nowhere to be found. Crazy right?! Not really , what I learned is people will always let you down when you hold them to any type of standards. People suck and people are getting more selfish with their time. People will see how caring and giving you are and will suck you insanely DRY. My problem is I always attract “friends” like this. So in reality maybe I’m the problem right?! My need for constant love and attention and longing for companionship had made me desperate to befriend and keep friends who aren’t actually great friends at all. This doesn’t mean they’re bad people afcourse just not on par to be great friends with me. It’s made me severely independent. I no longer wait around for people to get things done. I go shopping by MYSELF. I go to the movies by MYSELF. I go workout/running by MYSELF. Because In the end I’m the only one who’s always gonna have my back and I won’t ever let me down. This year I think by loosing friendships I found the best one in ME❤️