AsToldByShan

All my life , well as long as I can remember anyway, I’ve struggled with making friends. Now I did always have a core friend group and one or two besties. But I struggled within those groups and struggled maintaining friendships. Especially into adulthood, I feel it’s obviously gotten harder. As different factors have come into play such as some friends being married, having kids, difficult consuming jobs and different general views on life.

Back in school as teens, life was much easier and it was easier to keep friendships. As adults it’s harder and factor in I’m SUPER gay and have decenterd men completely and I’m the black sheep in a lot of my friend groups.

Back then I was able to cosplay and go with the flow. I wasn’t completely comfortable with my sexuality and was confused. So I longed for the attention and craved the male validation. Unlike my friends who genuinely love men and wanted to date / hookup, I was just going along doing what I thought was “normal” and what I had to do. It never felt like home or right, but what else was I gonna do? I already was “different” and had different interests than my friends, so I didn’t want to completely alienate myself from them.

But as time went on I found it harder to pretend and as I started to move further away from liking men all together and decenter them as a whole, it was almost impossible to enjoy myself out. I have majority of a straight girl friend group. And most of my cousins as well are straight. So going out now is very different for me, and if it’s not strictly a girls night out, I feel myself not feeling involved or as included. Which is not their fault, but it’s hard being the only openly lesbian friend of a straight girl friend group. When we go out , of course they want to find cute guys and flirt . But that also leaves me feeling awkward and like I either have to get stupid drunk to enjoy myself or pretend to be straight so I don’t feel left out. I also know a lot of gay girls that prefer straight bars/clubs so they can pick up straight girls and “turn them out”. But I’m not one of those gay girls and I prefer to only date another queer person.

Often when the idea of going to a gay club is brought up, everyone kind up just doesn’t even pay attention to it or take it seriously. Which is fine, but it just feels like I have to find more queer friends now.

At the beginning of this year and summer I thought I could still hang with straight girls and it be fine. I’d come to terms with being a lesbian and I can hold my own. But now as the year ends and the summer is over, I see that’s just not the case. I don’t have the energy for men or even to pretend to want to be bothered with them for hours. And I’m loosing the patience with girls who are so dick obsessed that they can’t see straight . I miss the days where girls night were strictly girls nights only and I didn’t have to worry about being left out. it also makes me nervous to hang with a group full of straight women , because I’m not looking for any man to hookup with and I don’t trust them. But I know a lot girls do , and it’s not my place to judge them for that or take their fun away.

As hard as it is, this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. I used to like having friends vastly different from me. And I still do, but now as my priorities have changed, I now need friends who have similar interests as well.