AsToldByShan

For the past 5 or 6 years I’ve struggled heavily with my sexuality. And worked really hard to figure out just what I wanted and what I actually liked. I feel like in 2019 is personally when I started to explore and become a little more of my true self. But of course had many setbacks and denial talks with myself , and others! That internalized homophobia really does linger and make things so much harder when you’re trying to figure it out.

In 2022 I had my very lesbian situation-ship AND relationship. Both very toxic and entirely draining . But solidified what I knew deep down, is that I could actually do this and I actually liked it. Well LOVED it and felt way more comfortable in those two toxic relationships than I ever did with any boy I had EVER been involved with. Truth be told I’ve always been a girls girl and rather be hang out with girls than men, and I was always super into being a feminist and blah. Which should have been a dead giveaway honestly. And as I got deeper into my journey and worked on myself I realized I had these super unrealistic standards for men and they were almost unattainable.

Fast forward to 2023 and it was a difficult year for me for sure, I had no community,( even after trying countless times on bumble bff). So I felt isolated and didn’t feel like I was gay enough or lesbian enough. I felt like it was too hard and had convinced myself I’d be a better “straight girl” , and I’d be happier. Which of course wasn’t the case at all. I feel I struggled even more , because I was forcing myself to engage in pointless conversations with men and flirting with them when I actually had zero intention of doing anything with them. It also didn’t help that I’m constantly surrounded by heterosexual couples, and family members and friends. And I know a lot of that can’t be helped, but it didn’t help my heartbreak or journey at all. I do have a few queer family members, but it’s not like it’s super easy to talk to them or like they’ve given me a handbook on how to deal with things. I seem to be on this journey alone…..

To this day I still struggle because deep down I know what I want and desire, but what I see and what I’m surrounded by makes that comphet so much harder to deal with. it’s super hard and at times draining trying to find a a safe and healthy group of queer friends to grow and confide in. I’m freshly into my 30s so I know realistically I still have time to find my chosen family . It just gets a little lonely on the road there, but I think that’s what growth is and what true happiness requires.

It’s never gonna be easy and I’ve seen that. 2022 the seeds were planted, 2023 the seeds were watered , and in 2024 the tree will blossom. You just wait and see, I haven’t become my final form yet. But she’s coming and I can’t wait to meet her.

Sure it sucks now and is super lonely , but it won’t be that way forever.