AsToldByShan

Welcome Back To the blog ! And happy pre-Shanise day,( my birthday is May 16). Today we will be talking about how over the last 3 years I’ve struggled with my sexuality, sorta of put myself back into the closet and convinced myself that I was bisexual and supposed to be with man!

Let’s get into it…

It’s been nearly 4 years since my last wlw relationship. Last year I talked to a non- conforming person for a few months on and off. But when that didn’t work out I thought maybe I was supposed to be with a man and to go back and give that a try.

It didn’t help that once I started this job, I’ve now been at for 3 years. That I made friends with mostly straight girls and had no queer influence. Then add the new administration into the mix and I was feeling pretty hopeless and lost .

It’s also VERY hard to make queer friends nowadays. And being queer/lesbian/gay , can feel so lonely and isolating.

Over the last few years I’ve half heartedly talked to a few men and thought maybe just maybe I wasn’t a lesbian and in fact bisexual . And MAYBE, that’s why none of my wlw relationships work out. But as time showed me, I truly only liked the attention from men and that they liked me. I often found them boring , empty and lame. I found myself rolling my eyes every time they dropped a line on me that I’m sure worked on other girls . But as long as they were cute and giving me attention that I craved, I held on. It wasn’t an until they Kept talking and truly being themselves that I felt agitated. 10 years ago, this would have been simple for me. I would flirt back, fall hard and give them a piece of me to forever have . Now it felt like nails on a chalkboard and like I was playing a character.

I think in my head being bisexual was “safer”. Just in terms of everything going on . I felt like I could just be with a man and be a pretty princess . And everything would sort itself out. But the same issue kept coming up, I don’t necessarily respect men or pay any real attention to them. and it hit me like a cold punch in the middle of the night, that I didn’t truly like them. I was going back to what was comfortable and what was easy. I was scared and running away from what I know .

To clarify I find men to be a false safety net . I started off dating men and it’s easy to me, it’s comfortable to me and it’s considered “normal”. After my last relationship I felt like it was too hard and required too much honestly and I wasn’t ready for that type of love .

Now that last relationship was very toxic and even the one before that was no better. So I don’t have the best introduction into being a lesbian . And I also think that played a huge part in my confusion and wanting to force myself into bisexuality.

Now that I’ve been single, talked to men and learned more about myself , I realize that I truly do love and adore women. I want to marry a woman and come home to a woman. I could never picture a real life and there be a man waiting for me.

Loving a woman as a woman is definitely not easy and it can be scary. But the reward is so well worth it. I got a taste of it in 2022-2023. And it completely changed my outlook of life and love. I had no idea I could be so seen and understood. It felt as easy as breathing most days . And like I was right where I was supposed to be. The heartbreaks and fights are super draining , and would turn the weakest man off. But I think that’s part of the love and passion, is fighting super hard! Of course in a non toxic way.

I think I will struggle with comphet for a while , as it’s something I have to actively fight against. And come to fully love and appreciate myself!

I don’t know what the future holds … but I know one thing , I will be bold and loud! And finally start to live in my truth !!

Thanks For Reading!!