AsToldByShan

In July of 2022 I entered my very first wlw relationship. And by February 2023 I was leaving that relationship. I had my very first wlw experience in the beginning half of 2022 with someone who I used to be very close with. But it ended up not being the best fit for me mentally or emotionally. So having those two heartbreaks back to back had consumed me completely. I wanted out of being gay, it was way harder than I could ever imagine. I spent way many nights to count begging god to make me straight and take those feelings away. I didn’t want to look at another woman. I was done, it was much easier in my opinion, to just date a man and settle.

But see the problem with that was, after being in a queer relationship and situation-ship, I felt so deeply what I had been missing out on when I dated men. I felt whole and so full. I often say dating women is like seeing the sun rise for the first time. Or like having champagne for the first time, it’s fizzy and has a kick to it, but then settles and becomes the best thing you’ve ever tasted.( No pun intended). Realistically I knew deep down going back to dating men would be so lackluster for me. And I’d be eternally bored out of my mind.

Since 2019 I’d been pulling away from dating altogether and just thought it was because I couldn’t relate to any of the boys of my generation. It wasn’t until I had a small queer experience where I was intrigued and wanted to experience more. But once again the girl left a bad taste in my mouth and it scared me off from being gay. Yet still I didn’t go near a man .

So to come full circle in 2022 and finally be comfortable with myself and queerness just to fall back into that cycle of trying to force myself to liking men, was truly traumatic for me. I spent more than half of 2022 and 2023 getting my heart stomped on so bad it made me-wanna be straight. And that itself is a complete mind misery.

It’s almost been a year now since my last relationship and I finally feel like I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I finally feel like I wanna accomplish things and get out of bed. I still struggle mentally and I think I will for a while. But I refuse to spend 2024 how I spent the majority of 2023- crying , sleeping, drinking my life away.

I’ve spent years trying to figure myself out and it wouldn’t be fair to go backwards just because I experienced heartbreak. Which can be something so beautiful if you think about it. Heartbreak is only real because you once felt something so strong for someone and the thought of them leaving you hurts more than you can imagine. it also destroys you but builds you back up to be the strongest version of yourself you’ve ever been!

I know it’s going to take more time and actual healing. And I’m committed to the plan. Because there just has to be something better than this on the other side waiting…. I refuse to believe this is it.