Goodbye decade 🥳 hello 2020🍾

At the beginning of this decade I was fresh out of high school(no diploma), no job, no friends and super depressed. and I was lying to everyone around me about what I was I doing with my life. Truth is I wasn’t doing anything and that killed me and I was ashamed. I felt hopeless for the first half of the decade and my 20s , like it would never get better. And for a long time it didn’t. It only got worse. I couldn’t get a job, I couldn’t pass my math ged (always 4 points off) and my friends didn’t understand depression/mental health and walked away. Fast forward to the end of the decade and I’ve had 3 jobs and been in college since 2016, I’ve put my work on hold to go back to school full time in January, I’ve launched a blog/website, started selling my jewelry. Fell inlove, fell out of of love, fell in love with myself, cut off a toxic 10 year nothingship, realized money doesn’t make you happy, made new friends who feel like family, traveled to Mexico, North Carolina, South Carolina , Georgia, California, became much more confident in myself, I became comfortable In my sexuality and so so much more. Started working out and looking after myself. Looking back I’ve accomplished ALOT And I’ve come so far! Shanise from 2010 would NEVER even dream half of this would happen. If I would have gave up in 2012,2013,2014 I wouldn’t be here and wouldn’t have been able to experience the amazing things I have. I’m glad to be saying goodbye to this decade. Although the end of it was amazing , it was still a very hard 10 years for me and I really went through it! Here’s to 2020🥂🍾 and to hoping I’ve finally found my way and I can let go of all the past bullshit. Here’s to another 10 years!!!!! (Please be better than the last)🥳🍾

HAPPY NEW YEARS, BE SAFE🍾🥂🎶

Goodbye 2019

Here’s the thing, the god honest truth, 2019 was the hardest year I’ve had in a long time. I went fresh into the new year with a new job and a new semester of school and full of hope(New website). Ended up succeeding in work but failed an entire semester of school. I dropped out temporally. I made new friends whilst keeping the old ones. New friends turned out not to be so good for my mental health. Old friends started new ventures and moved away. Cue my mental health taking another dive. My love life, completely toxic and full of drama. Cue my mental health taking ANOTHER dive. For the first time in years, I felt hopeless and just useless. I was working non-stop and was miserable. I felt like my life was going nowhere. In August I started pushing everyone away. And by November I could barley leave my bed unless I had to go to work. I wasn’t sleeping and my mind was in overdrive . Without getting to TMI on the god awful internet, I just want to say all of this sucked major ass and I’m going into 2020 hopeful. I’m making a lot of changes for the new year and I just hope I’m back here alive on December 27 ,2020 to tell you all about my amazing wonderful year. I’m rooting for myself for the first time EVER. Happy New Years 🥳

Favorite albums of 2019🎶

1. LM5- little mix

2. Harry styles -fine line

3. Fka twigs- Magdalene

4. Clairo- immunity

5. Ariana grande- thank you NEXT

What I love is….

  • Rainy days and days that it doesn’t rain but it still smells like it
  • Anything that reminds me of the 90s/2000s and my childhood. I immediately feel safe there
  • Life’s lessons. They’re hard and suck. But here’s the thing life will continue to send you the same lesson until you pass it.
  • Holding hands. Playing with fingers. All of it. It’s mine to hold
  • Loving someone so honestly and wholeheartedly. That shit feels soo good
  • Loving YOURSELF so honestly and wholeheartedly. That shit feels extra good
  • Laughing so hard I cry.
  • Laughing so hard I can’t breathe
  • Good books and stories that I can usually finish in a day or two.
  • My stories. I Go back to them and read them from time to time.
  • Poetry
  • Slowing down in the moment and just being PRESENT.
  • Warm people. People that feel like home.
  • Robert Downey jr. that’s it. That’s the tweet and send
  • A great sense of humor can go a long way!( I once talked myself out of failing a class by making the teacher giggle.
  • Baby giggles. They’re the purest thing in the world.
  • Baby cuddles- also pure.
  • Smell of fresh babies-best smell in the world
  • Red velvet cake
  • Broccoli and cheese pasta/rice
  • Art- music. Movies. Paintings
  • Halloween
  • The holidays
  • Warm vibes
  • The quiet
  • Late nights
  • Vacations
  • What I love is…….
  • Honest

    “Honestly depression isn’t kind. It kills people and we know these are facts. Yet we still treat fragile depressed people like shit. Life can really suck sometimes. Like it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. It’s blood , stress and tears. It’s your mind telling you you’ll never be worth anything. You’re nothing. It’s crying yourself to sleep some nights and waking up with a headache. It’s spending days in the bed. It’s functioning like a normal person at work then getting home and just sitting in one spot for hours. It’s daydreaming constantly about happy times and the day it’ll all end. It’s pushing yourself through it day by day even when you don’t want to. It’s loneliness. It’s emptiness. It’s just a black hole. It’s not talking about it cause it’s hard to explain and nobody really cares anyway. I’ll tell you honestly depression is NOT KIND, so maybe you should be… just a little if anything”

    People

    “I don’t understand people. I don’t get them at all. I try and try to paint myself this social people loving bunny, but I’m not. I haven’t had the best luck with people. Like I’ve met some serious shitty people in my life. Some real fucking pieces of shit. They’ve used and used me again and then blamed it all on me. Maybe I am to blame for being so fucking thick EVERY time. I mean I put walls up and I’m a BITCH. I let them down and BAM I get used over and over to again. I often wonder how I look to other people? Do I look as pathetic and deprived of love as I feel?! Are these feelings even real or just in my head?! Fight or flight. Am I fighting to survive or just flighting? Sometimes days. Weeks . Months go by and I can’t remember a single thing. Not one. Is that sad? Fight or flight?”

    Life

    “But what I’m trying to tell you all is life is hard. I mean like actually hard. Especially when you’re a 28 year old broken depressive-anxiety ridden weirdo who thinks she’s gonna die anytime she does anything remotely exciting. But what I’m telling you is life is hard. Especially when you are comfortable with your quirks. You love them. You fuck them. Only for people to hate them. Life is hard man. Especially when everyone is SHOUTING BE YOURSELF… and then you are and then they don’t like you. But the thing is life will always be hard, what matters most is getting back up to fight another round no matter how hard. Life is HARD. But anything worth having shouldn’t be easy. As cliche as it sounds, if it’s easy it’s not worth it. Because what will you learn if you get every thing you want every time you want it?”-shanise lachelle

    Dear teenage shanise

    1. Your stepdad was right you’re gonna get your heart broken 100 million times over before you even hit 25.
    2. You don’t really like party’s or going out. But you’ll do it anyway to just socialize.
    3. You don’t like socializing all the time or making new friends. It’s exhausting.
    4. You’ve yet to find your tribe. But you will
    5. Your current friends don’t really get you and think you’re a weirdo. Newsflash you ARE A WEIRDO.
    6. You’re gonna date ALOT of fuckboys. So many you’ll convince yourself you’re a lesbian. (And maybe you are)And god is trying to teach you a lesson through suffering 🤷🏾‍♀️
    7. You will suffer greatly from depression and anxiety and very few people in your life will understand you. Or stick around
    8. You’ll give up trying to please everyone . And everyone will call you crazy and a bitch in return but oh well.
    9. You’ll launch a website and begin to work towards opening your own online shop. That’s the most exciting thing to come sis just you wait.😁
    10. You’ll experience life in ways you never thought you needed to . But it’ll break you and make you the strongest person you’ll ever know. Just hold on girl , there’s so much more in store for you. Hold on